The second blog for my self-therapy

 So, I decided to start a blog at five Am. I've been waiting to do something like this for some time. So, if you like hearing about my life and my struggles with depression, learning disability, and just being me, stay around. And if anyone else is going through similar stuff, I hope this place lets them know they're not alone. 

I’ll make the blog look more personal as we go along. But yeah, let me live out my 200s dream with a random ass blog. 

Right now I'm ok. As in I don't feel like Committing violent acts on me or anyone else. But I just woke up. 

Me starting college is the most interesting my life has ever gotten. I was homeschooled and didn’t really interact with people. I was awkward as a kid. I didn’t know how to be like them. You know the other people. The people that could laugh so easily live within a friend group. Who you secretly hate. I never had that could never be that in high school.

 College is like a whole different reality. 2023 I started college was independent for the first time in my fucking life and I’m 20 do you know how sad that shit is. Despite it being sad I’m still proud of myself. I didn’t think I could do that the real in person school thing. Honestly what the fuck, I still got good grades. Don’t get me wrong the first year of school was a shit show. An unholy fuck up of my-own stupidity. 

I’m bad with people so me trying to be like them, is me lying. Is that how you spell lying? Fuck it. 

For some time when school started and everyone in my dorm was getting to know each other I thought I found a group but that didn’t last and it honestly broke my heart. I lied to fit in, but came off too strong. Broke down once from the stress of school and ex friend was there to witness it. A guy. I guy I kinda was into. it was only a few months but he was one of my first guy friends. He also saw me trip the fuck out. I don’t really remember but he got me back to the dorms. 

I wish we could have stayed friends, but I was too much. Asked to hang out one too many times before releasing they didn’t want me there. I drank with them watched movie's stayed out late for them. But they started to do stuff without me, they didn’t text and I stopped texting. I say hi to them sometimes. we still live on the same floor in the same building. They don’t care. 

I never did drugs before school. I told them I did, but I never had. one of the guys sad I look like I get high, and I kinda do look like that. It helped out with the delusion. I didn’t lie about the drinking though I told them I never did that. The first time I drank was vodka and it sucked but it’s weird, I don’t regret the experience drinking just who I drank with. They didn’t really care, that it was my first time. They were crazy, but they were good moments. Like when some of us talked super late at night in the parking lot trying to sober up. 

I had to let them go though it was too much. They didn’t include me in stuff I was hurting myself. I didn’t know how to be part of a friend group, because I never did that before. I was killing me. I don’t know much, but I know you’re not supposed to feel like that with people you call your friends. I put my heart into it and I was stupid.

There was another group though, when I wasn’t hanging out with them people who also started going to this church. I haven’t see two of them in a minute. I’m still friends with all of them though and they’re good. I can’t talk about most stuff with them like drinking, drugs, or personal health. Maybe at some point I will, but I still really like them. It makes me sad I have very little trust in people less now because of the last group of people. I’m reserved keeping personal things to myself. But being quiet, is it new for me. I just always did that since I was a kid can’t remember why. I’m scared to lose them so I just stay quiet for the most part. 

I don’t know if my life sounds fucked or not but as I add more it will. Trust. But I have to go get ready for school so that I leave you. 

PS- sorry for the poor grammar, I’m dyslexic don’t be a bitch about it.